Moments of Weakness

To tend, unfailingly, unflinchingly, towards a goal, is the secret to success. ~ Anna Pavlova

It’s the journey, not the destination. No one ever died of hard work. Success breeds success. These ideas run through my mind as my pursuit of achievement pulses forward. I’m  just two weeks into my quest and frankly, I’m exhausted.

The last two weekends have been spent in training mode. Relentless hard work. Burning the candle at both ends. Fueled by purpose. And yet, I have flinched and paused, felt resentment and frustration, felt loss and satisfaction. A whirlwind of emotion rushing at me like ocean waves. 

When we pursue something — a dream, goal, vision; anything beyond today’s reach – we’re stretching ourselves out so’s to grab it, get it, have it, hold it. And having it outside of our reach can trigger self-doubt — can I even reach it?

It started last weekend as aside from a brief 4 hour reprise Saturday night with some friends, I was in school mode for the entire weekend. I’m talking Saturday at 7am until Sunday at 5:30pm. Pricks like a thorn. And on top of all of it, I am learning accounting. God help me. The self-doubt trickles in.

And it continued today. I spent eight hours today on accounting. Eight. Did I learn anything? I don’t know. Did I cry? You bet. Did the balance sheet balance? Why yes, it did. Perhaps an out of body experience.

Today I found myself in a deep, dark hold of despair. A self-created hell. Full of my biggest fear (failure, duh) and math (gross). The worst part of it all is the level of awareness I held through the cycle. I knew how dangerous it was to feed negativity like that — to let it in, breed it, remind myself how stupid I am with numbers — but I gave up, instead.

Giving up like that was a loss battle. Battling exhaustion, pride, ego, and a deadline meant disaster to me and I did nothing right. I fueled it. I pitied myself. My reality was 100% self-made and a nightmare.

Advice to my future self:

1. You are not stupid with numbers. You just need to be patient.
2. Ask for help. Call a friend.
3. Take a breather. Go for a walk. Clear your mind.

It’s in the moments of pressure and self-doubt that our worlds can fall around us. Don’t do what I did. Remember, you are smarter, braver, wiser, and better than you think.

And above all things, go back to your purpose. Why are you doing this? Following your (heart’s) purpose will allow you patience, wisdom, and energy when tackling the most epic of battles. Accounting included.