Do you want Self Love or Adoration?

I want to let you in on a secret: I want you to like me.

I’m the girl (well, Madonna is the girl who said this first) who isn’t happy with 98 people in a room liking her. I want the full 100.

And for the most part I’d consider it unusual for people to flat out dislike me. I’m flawed as f—, as you know but generally I’m likeable. I mean, who isn’t?

Last year I went through a thing in which somebody didn’t like me. I don’t mean to say I wasn’t this person’s cup of tea. I mean this person full tilt thought I was a piece of shit. And as a result of this person’s perspective, things in my environment changed for me. I was ostracized, bullied, and treated totally unfairly.

At first I listened to what this person was saying and with bravado I shook it off. But, after listening to the story long enough, I actually started to believe it. I began questioning myself — maybe I am shitty? Maybe I have been wrong all along?

I became so consumed with the desire to please this person, that the story they were telling soon became the story I was telling myself.

I even wrote myself a letter entitled: ‘DON’T FORGET THIS’ and inside it I told myself the story again, so intent on reliving the story again and again.

The vapours of poisonous people are fluid and contagious. They seep into every crack and opening, weaselling themselves into the fibre of your being. Imagine putting a rotten apple into a basket of fresh apples: the rotten one emits gasses so pungent that not before long the other’s are turning up bruised, too.

You see, I chose Adoration. I thought that this person liking me was superior and important and I put myself aside.

I did the things I thought I should do. I punished myself for the things they said weren’t good enough about me. And I let my spirit break.

Choosing Self Love isn’t about selfishness or superiority. It’s about protecting your spirit.

When someone doesn’t like you or you fuck up (I fuck up a lot) it’s always an opportunity to examine self and behaviour and openly ask yourself, could I have done better? But, there has to be a line. Don’t lose sight of the line.

When the desire for Adoration surpasses your ability to Self Love – you’re in the deep.

Protect what is sacred. All else doesn’t matter.

Photo Credit: Ly Gia Phu